I haven't posted anything for awhile except for a rather strange note about the wind on the beach. It means something to me and that's what's really important.
I took a long walk today
in the rain.
I like the rain. It makes my yard grow and stay nice and green. It makes the sunny days beautiful. And it means that whenever I'm thirsty there is always going to be something clean coming out of the tap.
While I was walking I thought, "I haven't posted anything on the blog in awhile... Hmm."
But I haven't really had much to say.
I started this blog as a place to write down the things that ran through my head that I kept losing. But I haven't had anything run through my head that was worth holding on to recently. I've been on the sidelines, watching life go by without doing much to participate.
That needs to change.
I need to change.
Again.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Peaks and Valleys
I had someone ask me about my peaks and valleys of the last year. The more I thought I about it, the harder it was to come up with an answer, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean everyone talks about peaks and valleys in their life as if they are the normal natural way of things. It's as if not having them means there's something wrong.
But what's the basis of the view of reality?
I like to think I base my view of reality upon Jesus, and maybe I'm missing something (I frequently am) but he doesn't seem to talk about peaks and valleys and certainly not about the need for there to be an annual peak and valley experience.
This is not to say life has been one fantastic peak for the past year or a horrible valley either. Life has been (cheesy metaphor alert) a journey of learning.
I feel like in the last year I have learned about God's perspective of the differences between rich and poor and about the pitfalls of nationalism. I've gained a new perspective and appreciation for the church as God's instrument for working in the world. I've learned a little more about what it means for God's eternal kingdom to begin now and not after we die.
Some of my moments of learning have been quite jarring, unsettling even, but they don't fit nicely into the peak or valley department. They haven't been the height of emotion either positively or negatively, but unlike those moments, they've had endurance.
I'm not sure how I feel about peaks and valleys. I like the peaks and I appreciate the valleys once I've passed through them. But so much of the time what I remember of them is the emotional charge that came from them and not anything that has stuck with me.
(I usually start these things thinking I'll just write something short and sweet and then it turns into something long and drawn out. I had written more, but I was just rambling, so I'll call it day with what I've got.)
But what's the basis of the view of reality?
I like to think I base my view of reality upon Jesus, and maybe I'm missing something (I frequently am) but he doesn't seem to talk about peaks and valleys and certainly not about the need for there to be an annual peak and valley experience.
This is not to say life has been one fantastic peak for the past year or a horrible valley either. Life has been (cheesy metaphor alert) a journey of learning.
I feel like in the last year I have learned about God's perspective of the differences between rich and poor and about the pitfalls of nationalism. I've gained a new perspective and appreciation for the church as God's instrument for working in the world. I've learned a little more about what it means for God's eternal kingdom to begin now and not after we die.
Some of my moments of learning have been quite jarring, unsettling even, but they don't fit nicely into the peak or valley department. They haven't been the height of emotion either positively or negatively, but unlike those moments, they've had endurance.
I'm not sure how I feel about peaks and valleys. I like the peaks and I appreciate the valleys once I've passed through them. But so much of the time what I remember of them is the emotional charge that came from them and not anything that has stuck with me.
(I usually start these things thinking I'll just write something short and sweet and then it turns into something long and drawn out. I had written more, but I was just rambling, so I'll call it day with what I've got.)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Squatting
I'm processing.
There was a story on one of those morning news shows about squatting. Apparently there are groups who are helping the homeless move into foreclosed and government owned property. The interviewer asked a leader of one of the groups about the fairness of allowing people to live in homes they weren't paying for while their neighbors continued to pay their mortgage.
On the one hand I can see her point. Paying a morgage sucks, but Kari and I do it faithfully every month. It doesn't really seem fair that others would be able to simply skip that unpleasant part of American existence.
On the other hand, who gives a crap about fairness? We live in the most wealthy country in the world. What does it say about us as a society if we let people live on the streets while literally tens if not hundreds of thousands of houses sit empty?
Now I think squatting is less than ideal. It's illegal, for one. Which means if families who are doing it are caught, they could wind up in jail, leaving their homeless children parentless as well. The conditions aren't fantastic either. They make sure that water and electric are working, but other than that, things are pretty sparse and not necessarily clean.
The alternative is pretty sparse and unclean as well, under bridges and such.
What do I think would be ideal: the wealthy purchasing foreclosed properties out of their excess and opening them to people in need. It was Augustine who said, "Find out how much God has given you and take from it what you need; the remainder is needed by others." But that's the tough part with ideals. The ideal requires those who are best at hoarding to be generous. It requires people to be the opposite of their nature. It requires people to sacrifice for those who are, "undeserving." It requires that people love each other for no other than reason than our shared humanity and act out that love in a real, tangible way.
This leads to the inevitable question: what are you going to do about it? And here's the discomfort.
I read this book that talked about being the answer to our prayers. It wasn't talking about a God who is inactive or needs our help. It was framed in this way. Sometimes we pray to God, "Why don't you do something," and in that moment we hear a gentle voice say, "I did do something, I made you."
So I watch this thing about families needing a home and in the same breath pointing out the wealth of available housing that sits empty, and I wonder what am I supposed to do about it? I'm not wealthy and I sometimes struggle to pay my mortgage. But I am part of a community of people knitted together by shared commitment to following the leading of our creator. I think that in all the ways the church has failed, this is one in which success can be so very close.
But I'm processing.
How do I (off the charts on the introvert scale according to Meyers-Briggs) organize and mobilize a group of disconnected, yet linked people to step in and offer grace to those who are so close to us and yet so removed? There are people all over the world with less, about 5.5 billion of them. What makes the people who are homeless in our country any more deserving than any of them?
Nothing.
But that's the point. When Jesus told his disciple to change the world he didn't tell them to make a list of the most needy and prioritize their mission based on their assessment. He told them to stay where they were, start with their neighbors, and spread out from there.
Poverty is a global problem that deserves action the world over, but I'm right here in the United States. Even if I can't pay the market value for a house that's for sale, there are distressed properties that get auctioned for fractions of their market value. Maybe Christians can come together to purchase these houses, Christian who couldn't afford them on their own, but have some excess that could be pooled.
I don't know. It could work.
But it would take an act of God, moving through real people to make a real difference, through a love that has hands and feet that look like people I know.
There was a story on one of those morning news shows about squatting. Apparently there are groups who are helping the homeless move into foreclosed and government owned property. The interviewer asked a leader of one of the groups about the fairness of allowing people to live in homes they weren't paying for while their neighbors continued to pay their mortgage.
On the one hand I can see her point. Paying a morgage sucks, but Kari and I do it faithfully every month. It doesn't really seem fair that others would be able to simply skip that unpleasant part of American existence.
On the other hand, who gives a crap about fairness? We live in the most wealthy country in the world. What does it say about us as a society if we let people live on the streets while literally tens if not hundreds of thousands of houses sit empty?
Now I think squatting is less than ideal. It's illegal, for one. Which means if families who are doing it are caught, they could wind up in jail, leaving their homeless children parentless as well. The conditions aren't fantastic either. They make sure that water and electric are working, but other than that, things are pretty sparse and not necessarily clean.
The alternative is pretty sparse and unclean as well, under bridges and such.
What do I think would be ideal: the wealthy purchasing foreclosed properties out of their excess and opening them to people in need. It was Augustine who said, "Find out how much God has given you and take from it what you need; the remainder is needed by others." But that's the tough part with ideals. The ideal requires those who are best at hoarding to be generous. It requires people to be the opposite of their nature. It requires people to sacrifice for those who are, "undeserving." It requires that people love each other for no other than reason than our shared humanity and act out that love in a real, tangible way.
This leads to the inevitable question: what are you going to do about it? And here's the discomfort.
I read this book that talked about being the answer to our prayers. It wasn't talking about a God who is inactive or needs our help. It was framed in this way. Sometimes we pray to God, "Why don't you do something," and in that moment we hear a gentle voice say, "I did do something, I made you."
So I watch this thing about families needing a home and in the same breath pointing out the wealth of available housing that sits empty, and I wonder what am I supposed to do about it? I'm not wealthy and I sometimes struggle to pay my mortgage. But I am part of a community of people knitted together by shared commitment to following the leading of our creator. I think that in all the ways the church has failed, this is one in which success can be so very close.
But I'm processing.
How do I (off the charts on the introvert scale according to Meyers-Briggs) organize and mobilize a group of disconnected, yet linked people to step in and offer grace to those who are so close to us and yet so removed? There are people all over the world with less, about 5.5 billion of them. What makes the people who are homeless in our country any more deserving than any of them?
Nothing.
But that's the point. When Jesus told his disciple to change the world he didn't tell them to make a list of the most needy and prioritize their mission based on their assessment. He told them to stay where they were, start with their neighbors, and spread out from there.
Poverty is a global problem that deserves action the world over, but I'm right here in the United States. Even if I can't pay the market value for a house that's for sale, there are distressed properties that get auctioned for fractions of their market value. Maybe Christians can come together to purchase these houses, Christian who couldn't afford them on their own, but have some excess that could be pooled.
I don't know. It could work.
But it would take an act of God, moving through real people to make a real difference, through a love that has hands and feet that look like people I know.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Back in the saddle
I'm going to lead worship tomorrow at Impact. It's been awhile since I've stood at a microphone to lead worship and I think I'm looking forward to it. Ultimately it is what I'd like to do with my life, but it's a bit different when it's a fill-in role. There's not the relationship and the degree of knowing which songs people will know and which ones they won't. It's harder to have a sense for where people are, when to push them to go further and when to let them dwell in a moment.
I know it will go well, but I'm wondering in what sense. There are times when I have reflected as a musician and thought, "that sucked." But in those times there are things I have learned and in the sense of a fuller understanding of who God is and who I am in relation to God, those have been successes as much or more than the others. My pride needs to be knocked down sometimes and being musically incompetent in front of people will do that for you. If this is one of the times, I pray I learn quickly.
I know it will go well, but I'm wondering in what sense. There are times when I have reflected as a musician and thought, "that sucked." But in those times there are things I have learned and in the sense of a fuller understanding of who God is and who I am in relation to God, those have been successes as much or more than the others. My pride needs to be knocked down sometimes and being musically incompetent in front of people will do that for you. If this is one of the times, I pray I learn quickly.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Doormat
So today someone was rude to one of the people I work with. She came over to me afterward and vented a bit and wanted me to, "do something about it." The thing she wanted to do was complain to the person's boss.
I didn't.
I did two things.
First we talked about why people lose sight of what's really important and get caught up in their own thing. They go to work at a hospital but forget that they're there to serve patients and not to cross things off their to-do list.
Second I mentioned that maybe when she comes into contact with a person like this she should turn the other cheek. She's a believer so in theory that should actually mean something to her. However, she seemed to take it as some sort of insult. (We talked about it more and I think she's ok.)
It got me to thinking. There's this prevailing thought that when Jesus said that, he didn't mean you should be a doormat. He was using a literary device called hyperbole where you say something that is far beyond reality to make a point.
But as Kari and I were talking about it tonight we started thinking about Jesus' last night with his disciples before his execution. He makes a point of going around and washing his disciples feet. Now I'm not a historian, and I won't claim to know everything about their time or culture, but it struck me that in a way, the last thing Jesus did before his crucifixion was to wipe his disciples' feet, to be a literal doormat for them.
I don't think turn the other cheek is hyperbole. I think that when God says that his wisdom is foolishness to the world that includes being a doormat.
I didn't.
I did two things.
First we talked about why people lose sight of what's really important and get caught up in their own thing. They go to work at a hospital but forget that they're there to serve patients and not to cross things off their to-do list.
Second I mentioned that maybe when she comes into contact with a person like this she should turn the other cheek. She's a believer so in theory that should actually mean something to her. However, she seemed to take it as some sort of insult. (We talked about it more and I think she's ok.)
It got me to thinking. There's this prevailing thought that when Jesus said that, he didn't mean you should be a doormat. He was using a literary device called hyperbole where you say something that is far beyond reality to make a point.
But as Kari and I were talking about it tonight we started thinking about Jesus' last night with his disciples before his execution. He makes a point of going around and washing his disciples feet. Now I'm not a historian, and I won't claim to know everything about their time or culture, but it struck me that in a way, the last thing Jesus did before his crucifixion was to wipe his disciples' feet, to be a literal doormat for them.
I don't think turn the other cheek is hyperbole. I think that when God says that his wisdom is foolishness to the world that includes being a doormat.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Deserves Got Nothing To Do With It
"In the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organized robbery?" - Saint Augustine
I'm not homeless, and I've yet to miss a meal because I couldn't afford it. I still have a job, and there's not much danger of me losing it because of the economy (but who really knows, right). I pay my taxes: income, sales, gas, car tabs, whatever they ask.
So what's the deal with our sovereign government funding multimillionaires' bonuses while roughly 60,000 people live on the streets of LA?
"Deserves got nothing to do with it" - Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven
I'm not homeless, and I've yet to miss a meal because I couldn't afford it. I still have a job, and there's not much danger of me losing it because of the economy (but who really knows, right). I pay my taxes: income, sales, gas, car tabs, whatever they ask.
So what's the deal with our sovereign government funding multimillionaires' bonuses while roughly 60,000 people live on the streets of LA?
"Deserves got nothing to do with it" - Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Love
(I posted this note on my Facebook page awhile back, but thought I'd add it here. When I wrote it on Facebook I was in this stage where I didn't like using capitalization. I'm not sure why I was doing it, but I thought it might be my thing. It was kinda stupid so I've stopped doing that, but I haven't gone back and fixed this post; sorry for the pretension.)
there seems to be some confusion about what love is and its starting to drive me crazy.
first and foremost:
love has very little to do with feelings. my feelings change week to week, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. most days i don't do what i feel like doing and do lots of things i don't feel like doing. feelings are effected by the people around me, the weather, if i had a good nights sleep, etc. if love depended on whether or not people got a good night's sleep there would be no relationships.
love is about serving someone without condition. love does not draws lines in the sand, or hold grudges, it has NO ulterior motives. if i think someone loves me, but they don't serve me, then they really just enjoy my company. enjoyment is not love and when the enjoyment is over the relationship is gone.
love is a choice. it is my decision whom i will love and whom i will not. it is everyone's choice to love or not to love. too many people substitute enjoyment for love, but enjoyment inevitably comes to an end.
love is the paradox that cares nothing for self and yet has the greatest personal reward.
a few misconceptions:
i cannot love someone that i do not like. i might tell myself that i can, but i would be lying and only fooling one person.
i cannot force someone to love me. i cannot make any decisions for someone else. i may coerce them for awhile to do what i want, but that is not love, not at all, it's actually the opposite.
love does not fail. it may fail to achieve the result you wanted, but serving does not fail. if you serve someone and they refuse, you did not fail to serve, it is the other person who failed to receive your service.
in conclusion:
there's this song (that i honestly don't remember most of) that says, "the greatest thing in all the world is just to love and be loved in return." well i'm not sure if that's the greatest thing in all the world, but it's up there. if you settle for anything less than serving someone unconditionally who also serves you unconditionally you are missing out on one of the greatest things in the world.
love someone.
love someone who loves you.
don't accept any substitutes.
there seems to be some confusion about what love is and its starting to drive me crazy.
first and foremost:
love has very little to do with feelings. my feelings change week to week, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. most days i don't do what i feel like doing and do lots of things i don't feel like doing. feelings are effected by the people around me, the weather, if i had a good nights sleep, etc. if love depended on whether or not people got a good night's sleep there would be no relationships.
love is about serving someone without condition. love does not draws lines in the sand, or hold grudges, it has NO ulterior motives. if i think someone loves me, but they don't serve me, then they really just enjoy my company. enjoyment is not love and when the enjoyment is over the relationship is gone.
love is a choice. it is my decision whom i will love and whom i will not. it is everyone's choice to love or not to love. too many people substitute enjoyment for love, but enjoyment inevitably comes to an end.
love is the paradox that cares nothing for self and yet has the greatest personal reward.
a few misconceptions:
i cannot love someone that i do not like. i might tell myself that i can, but i would be lying and only fooling one person.
i cannot force someone to love me. i cannot make any decisions for someone else. i may coerce them for awhile to do what i want, but that is not love, not at all, it's actually the opposite.
love does not fail. it may fail to achieve the result you wanted, but serving does not fail. if you serve someone and they refuse, you did not fail to serve, it is the other person who failed to receive your service.
in conclusion:
there's this song (that i honestly don't remember most of) that says, "the greatest thing in all the world is just to love and be loved in return." well i'm not sure if that's the greatest thing in all the world, but it's up there. if you settle for anything less than serving someone unconditionally who also serves you unconditionally you are missing out on one of the greatest things in the world.
love someone.
love someone who loves you.
don't accept any substitutes.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Show Me the Money
I'm noticing something that isn't new. I'm fairly sure that everyone else is noticing it too, so this isn't a new idea or thought or anything profound, but here it is.
The United States is experiencing a financial crisis that is being felt in one way or another by nearly everyone in the country. People are losing their jobs, unemployment near 9% last time I heard, stock market is down, housing market struggling to keep ahead of foreclosures, etc. If you've been near a news source I'm sure you've heard this and more.
Meanwhile CEOs collect multi-million dollar salaries, athletes sign multi-million dollar contracts, and the government scrambles to "rescue the economy." Kari came home from Starbucks today and said they were slammed all day. When I drove past the mall, the parking lot was packed.
If what I'm observing even smells of accuracy, it seems like consumerism is alive and well even if stiffled a bit by a limiting of credit. Now, in the spirit of transparency, I've got plenty of debt. Kari and I have two mortgages and we've used credit to get by when not enough deals closed in a particular month. We're not victims by any means in this situation. We are participants and perpetuators. I'm not proud of it, but its the way it is.
Anyway...
The thought that I'm having started being formed last Wednesday. I was down at UW sitting around a table full of college students talking about life. One of them said he likes watching C-Span. I didn't know anyone liked watching C-Span. We talked a bit about the economy and the trouble we face as a country in trying to recover from the trouble we're in.
Later that night I heard more than one person pray for our country's economic situation, and that's where the thought sparked. Why would God want to restore our HEAVILY consumerist economy? I understand that He loves us, He blesses us (not always financially no matter what Casey Treat says), He is the source of every good and perfect gift. So why would He want to restore a system that worships clothes, cars, and houses, like golden calves? Wouldn't it be better for us to wander through the desert for 40 years
(Yes I almost wrote dessert, but who wouldn't want to wander through dessert more than through the desert?)
The United States is experiencing a financial crisis that is being felt in one way or another by nearly everyone in the country. People are losing their jobs, unemployment near 9% last time I heard, stock market is down, housing market struggling to keep ahead of foreclosures, etc. If you've been near a news source I'm sure you've heard this and more.
Meanwhile CEOs collect multi-million dollar salaries, athletes sign multi-million dollar contracts, and the government scrambles to "rescue the economy." Kari came home from Starbucks today and said they were slammed all day. When I drove past the mall, the parking lot was packed.
If what I'm observing even smells of accuracy, it seems like consumerism is alive and well even if stiffled a bit by a limiting of credit. Now, in the spirit of transparency, I've got plenty of debt. Kari and I have two mortgages and we've used credit to get by when not enough deals closed in a particular month. We're not victims by any means in this situation. We are participants and perpetuators. I'm not proud of it, but its the way it is.
Anyway...
The thought that I'm having started being formed last Wednesday. I was down at UW sitting around a table full of college students talking about life. One of them said he likes watching C-Span. I didn't know anyone liked watching C-Span. We talked a bit about the economy and the trouble we face as a country in trying to recover from the trouble we're in.
Later that night I heard more than one person pray for our country's economic situation, and that's where the thought sparked. Why would God want to restore our HEAVILY consumerist economy? I understand that He loves us, He blesses us (not always financially no matter what Casey Treat says), He is the source of every good and perfect gift. So why would He want to restore a system that worships clothes, cars, and houses, like golden calves? Wouldn't it be better for us to wander through the desert for 40 years
(Yes I almost wrote dessert, but who wouldn't want to wander through dessert more than through the desert?)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
More than carpentry
I try to be a humble person. That's not to say I diminish what I'm good at, I just don't like to make a big deal out of things or draw attention to myself much. In general I feel that even if I'm good at something there's someone out there who's better. Besides, a lot of the things I'm good at aren't really a big deal anyway.
Today I rediscovered that I am not good at carpentry.
We sold a bunch of tools in the last couple of weeks, partly because we have too much stuff and partly because we had some unexpected bills. Today I could have used several of those tools. Not having the table saw, mitre saw, and sanders made putting (or is it puting, I can never remember) the door in much more difficult. To add to the difficulty we decided to make it a double swinging door and our house is old. The frame is an odd size that they don't make doors for so we had to trim a door down, and the frame isn't exactly square so now that it's in it doesn't close right.
The biggest annoyance of the day was working with the hinges. They have pins in two places to help control the double action swinging motion. I'm sure whomever invented them is quite rich now, but those pins totally pissed me off today. #1 Those pins are tiny. I'm not a big guy, so I don't have huge hands, but I could barely get a grasp on those stupid little things. Probably that contributed to my losing three of them. #2 Those pins do not want to stay in the holes they are made for. Twice I heard a pinging sound as pins shot from their designated location and hit something near me. I have no idea what they hit or where they landed. As far as I know they've never actually landed, 'cause I couldn't find them for the life of me.
Kari was my saving grace today. I was totally unhinged (pun intended) dealing with that stupid door. It should have been an hour or two project, but took more like ten and if I'm really honest isn't quite done yet. I find it more frustrating than anything to have no ability to recitfy my situation. When those pins disapppeared and made it seem like I wasn't going to be able to finish at all it pushed me over the edge. Nobody sees me pushed over the edge. I don't get pushed over the edge, but I did today, and it wasn't pretty. One thing after another failed and I felt very helpless and very inadequate. Kari was able to help get replacement pieces (girls always get more help at Home Depot than guys) and gave me the appropriate amount of space to come back to earth from planet I Hate This. She was close enough to show she cared and wanted to help, but far enough to not get hit with any shrapnel. She didn't always get this balance and thankfully its probably only come up two or three other times in the 16 years we've known each other, but she's figured out how to help in the ways she can and let me deal too.
I realized today that I am too self reliant. God gave me a lot of natural talents. (not bragging) I am coordinated enough to be good at most sports without too much effort. I'm fairly musical, enough to enjoy playing it and not have people cover their ears. School was always easy for me, and I never had to study or worry about making grades. Work has been easy too. People like me, mostly, and though I've never had a ton of friends, I've never had any enemies (say any enemies 5 times fast).
The things I don't do are usually because I don't trust God to be there with me. Not that I don't believe He's there, but I want to be able to do it on my own. I had one moment when I worked for PSCC that I decided to trust God to work through me in something that without Him I would be an utter failure. Through a reorg I became the lead recruiter for the school. (I know, me, crazy) Following the change I went on a walk and had a talk with God. I told Him ('cause He was was totally unaware until I mentioned it) that I was not a good recruiter and would not be able to help the school grow. I said that if this is what He wanted me to do He was going to have work miracles for the school to thrive, that He would have to bring people to the school because I wasn't going to be able to.
Two days later I turned in my resignation.
Now I feel like I have a good handle on what God wants me to do. It's a blend. I'm musical, but no one is ever going to pay to hear me sing. With God I think I'm supposed to be leading worship, not just musically but wholistically. It's a mixture of what I like and what God can do beyond me. Without God I would be an American Idol audition joke. With God people will see Him and not hear me.
But I'm afraid of not being able to do it alone. And so I don't pursue opportunity.
This blogging thing...
...it sucks when it makes you realize what you need to do that you've been putting off.
Today I rediscovered that I am not good at carpentry.
We sold a bunch of tools in the last couple of weeks, partly because we have too much stuff and partly because we had some unexpected bills. Today I could have used several of those tools. Not having the table saw, mitre saw, and sanders made putting (or is it puting, I can never remember) the door in much more difficult. To add to the difficulty we decided to make it a double swinging door and our house is old. The frame is an odd size that they don't make doors for so we had to trim a door down, and the frame isn't exactly square so now that it's in it doesn't close right.
The biggest annoyance of the day was working with the hinges. They have pins in two places to help control the double action swinging motion. I'm sure whomever invented them is quite rich now, but those pins totally pissed me off today. #1 Those pins are tiny. I'm not a big guy, so I don't have huge hands, but I could barely get a grasp on those stupid little things. Probably that contributed to my losing three of them. #2 Those pins do not want to stay in the holes they are made for. Twice I heard a pinging sound as pins shot from their designated location and hit something near me. I have no idea what they hit or where they landed. As far as I know they've never actually landed, 'cause I couldn't find them for the life of me.
Kari was my saving grace today. I was totally unhinged (pun intended) dealing with that stupid door. It should have been an hour or two project, but took more like ten and if I'm really honest isn't quite done yet. I find it more frustrating than anything to have no ability to recitfy my situation. When those pins disapppeared and made it seem like I wasn't going to be able to finish at all it pushed me over the edge. Nobody sees me pushed over the edge. I don't get pushed over the edge, but I did today, and it wasn't pretty. One thing after another failed and I felt very helpless and very inadequate. Kari was able to help get replacement pieces (girls always get more help at Home Depot than guys) and gave me the appropriate amount of space to come back to earth from planet I Hate This. She was close enough to show she cared and wanted to help, but far enough to not get hit with any shrapnel. She didn't always get this balance and thankfully its probably only come up two or three other times in the 16 years we've known each other, but she's figured out how to help in the ways she can and let me deal too.
I realized today that I am too self reliant. God gave me a lot of natural talents. (not bragging) I am coordinated enough to be good at most sports without too much effort. I'm fairly musical, enough to enjoy playing it and not have people cover their ears. School was always easy for me, and I never had to study or worry about making grades. Work has been easy too. People like me, mostly, and though I've never had a ton of friends, I've never had any enemies (say any enemies 5 times fast).
The things I don't do are usually because I don't trust God to be there with me. Not that I don't believe He's there, but I want to be able to do it on my own. I had one moment when I worked for PSCC that I decided to trust God to work through me in something that without Him I would be an utter failure. Through a reorg I became the lead recruiter for the school. (I know, me, crazy) Following the change I went on a walk and had a talk with God. I told Him ('cause He was was totally unaware until I mentioned it) that I was not a good recruiter and would not be able to help the school grow. I said that if this is what He wanted me to do He was going to have work miracles for the school to thrive, that He would have to bring people to the school because I wasn't going to be able to.
Two days later I turned in my resignation.
Now I feel like I have a good handle on what God wants me to do. It's a blend. I'm musical, but no one is ever going to pay to hear me sing. With God I think I'm supposed to be leading worship, not just musically but wholistically. It's a mixture of what I like and what God can do beyond me. Without God I would be an American Idol audition joke. With God people will see Him and not hear me.
But I'm afraid of not being able to do it alone. And so I don't pursue opportunity.
This blogging thing...
...it sucks when it makes you realize what you need to do that you've been putting off.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Staff Meeting
Why is that on staff meeting days I always feel like quitting? We spent an hour today watching a video of a guy talking about how to do a better job training, equipping, and mentoring staff to better serve patients. He was entertaining, he was funny, it was a worthwhile presentation. After that we talked about this book, 7 habits of highly effective people. It is a book full of truth about seeking what is important, valuing people, doing the important things and saying no to the unimportant, etc. And during the whole thing, I kept coming back to this:
I don't want to do this. I want to do something that is more significant than helping get kids scheduled for appointments.
That's not to diminish the value of kids getting to their appointments. I think Jesus called to take care of the weak, the poor, the voiceless, the little children. But I'm not helping them find Jesus and the answer he has. I'm helping them take care of their physical ailments. And here's the thing, every single one of them is going to die. Most of them won't die at our hospital, but they're all going to eventually die and I will have done nothing to serve their greater needs. My job actually prohibits me from trying to serve their greater needs. And so even while I help meet their needs now, I feel a great burden to do more all the while I am not allowed to.
I don't want to do this. I want to do something more significant than helping get kids scheduled for appointments that will do nothing to heal them of their most basic disease.
There's another thing that eats at me. We sit around and talk about the economi crisis that America is in and to some extent the world, but no one I know has volunteered to take any sort of a paycut to help out those who are going to be let go because of budget shortfalls.
I haven't either, so maybe I'm a hypocrit.
I don't have any resolution on this, but I feel like maybe this is an opportunity for a lot of people. It's an opportunity for us to place our trust in something more stable than the economy or a paycheck or a government or in our own ability to rake in a little cash. It's an opportunity for the church to show love to the people who are part of it by taking care of those that are suffering. (I don't mean the corporate church as an entity with a budget. I mean the church, the people, who care for their brothers and sisters in the way that Christ cares for us and gave himself up for us.)
What scares me about this economic crisis the most is for the truly poor of this world. As our nation turns more inward and focuses on our dramatic inability to pay for our luxuries there are a LOT of people who live on next to nothing and are dying for it. I think the number is something around 29,000 people who die everyday because of health issues related to hunger.
I'm part of the problem. I have a lot of debt and I feel an obligation to be true to my word when I signed up for that debt by paying for it. I feel handcuffed in my ability to help the people who are truly needy. I'm trying to sell stuff that is extra, pay debt, rid myself of selfish items, and be able to help, but I'm not having a great deal of success. For my birthday I asked my family to give gifts to the needy. My parents did and gave me a brocure about the group that buys children out of slavery, but my brother and sister (who make a lot more than my parents) didn't mention a thing. Should I ask them about it? What would I say?
I don't want to do this. I want to do something that is more significant than helping get kids scheduled for appointments.
That's not to diminish the value of kids getting to their appointments. I think Jesus called to take care of the weak, the poor, the voiceless, the little children. But I'm not helping them find Jesus and the answer he has. I'm helping them take care of their physical ailments. And here's the thing, every single one of them is going to die. Most of them won't die at our hospital, but they're all going to eventually die and I will have done nothing to serve their greater needs. My job actually prohibits me from trying to serve their greater needs. And so even while I help meet their needs now, I feel a great burden to do more all the while I am not allowed to.
I don't want to do this. I want to do something more significant than helping get kids scheduled for appointments that will do nothing to heal them of their most basic disease.
There's another thing that eats at me. We sit around and talk about the economi crisis that America is in and to some extent the world, but no one I know has volunteered to take any sort of a paycut to help out those who are going to be let go because of budget shortfalls.
I haven't either, so maybe I'm a hypocrit.
I don't have any resolution on this, but I feel like maybe this is an opportunity for a lot of people. It's an opportunity for us to place our trust in something more stable than the economy or a paycheck or a government or in our own ability to rake in a little cash. It's an opportunity for the church to show love to the people who are part of it by taking care of those that are suffering. (I don't mean the corporate church as an entity with a budget. I mean the church, the people, who care for their brothers and sisters in the way that Christ cares for us and gave himself up for us.)
What scares me about this economic crisis the most is for the truly poor of this world. As our nation turns more inward and focuses on our dramatic inability to pay for our luxuries there are a LOT of people who live on next to nothing and are dying for it. I think the number is something around 29,000 people who die everyday because of health issues related to hunger.
I'm part of the problem. I have a lot of debt and I feel an obligation to be true to my word when I signed up for that debt by paying for it. I feel handcuffed in my ability to help the people who are truly needy. I'm trying to sell stuff that is extra, pay debt, rid myself of selfish items, and be able to help, but I'm not having a great deal of success. For my birthday I asked my family to give gifts to the needy. My parents did and gave me a brocure about the group that buys children out of slavery, but my brother and sister (who make a lot more than my parents) didn't mention a thing. Should I ask them about it? What would I say?
Monday, February 2, 2009
My first post
I haven't told anyone I'm going to be doing this blog. Frankly I'm pretty insecure about the things I have to say so we'll see if anything comes of it.
One thing I'm sure of though: there has to be more to life than this.
One thing I'm sure of though: there has to be more to life than this.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
